I once knew a guy who was obsessed with cashew nuts, we were at a party once and he spent hours going around, isolating each party goer one at a time to ask them how much they were paying for cashews; and no matter what their response, they would always be paying too much for their cashews.

Now close your eyes and count to 5

Now open them

I was that man.

bulk4People bore me guys, I’m not going to sugar coat it. Sure I can be entertained by them for short periods of time eg: I spent about 8 minutes in Safeway the other day watching a lady haggle with a very somber looking checkout dude over a close to expiry ‘bake in the oven’ Turkish loaf.  She was arguing the fact that the reduced sticker had fallen off this particular loaf whilst it was in her trolley, she was adamant that it was over by the cat food aisle somewhere but she didn’t have time to go over and look for it, she did however have time to wait for the manager to come over and then re-explain the whole story over to him again, the manager was sorry but there was nothing he could do about it. He explained that all their products were baked fresh and had short expiry periods, the fact that this loaf was close to expiry was irrelevant as all items from the bakery are close to expiry.

“LOOK! JUST FORGET ABOUT IT!”

And she left the loaf, right there; on the counter. All this fighting over Turkish loaf made me crave it, it’s funny how our brain works. I never wanted to go to the Ukraine so much until Russia wanted it. I looked over at the loaf, but then I saw the price tag $4.50. I didn’t want it that bad. That’s ridiculous! I quickly scanned over the ingredients

Ingredients: Wheat Flour, Water, Yeast, Skim Milk Powder, Cultured Wheat Flour, Iodised Salt, Mineral Salt(170), Vegetable Emulsifier(471), Soy Flour, Sesame Seeds, Nigella Seeds, Vitamins (thiamin, Folic Acid). Contains: Gluten, Milk, Soybean, Sesame Seed May contain traces of Egg, Peanuts, Sulphites, Tree Nuts., 

Pfft I had most of those at home. I could make my own Turkish Loaf if I wanted, probably would taste better to. I didn’t know what Vegetable Emulsifier 471 was, but I’m sure my next door neighbor would have some. It’s like the good old days, happy times, when one could ask a young lady next door to borrow a cup of sugar and not get accused of rape or have her lock the children in the basement before she answered the door.

BUT INSTEAD OF SUGAR I WOULD BORROW VEGETABLE EMULSIFIER 471. I’m not sure if that comes in powdered form, and if I needed a cup of it, I just knew I wasn’t going to pay $4.50 for that Turkish loaf. That’s robbery, it’s not even ready to eat; still have to heat up the oven to 180 and put in there for what, 5, maybe 10 minutes?

You know what else? I have a confession. I don’t really know how to punctuate things. Sometimes I think I do, but then I read something else that someone who’s you know…intelligent, wrote and I feel like my shit’s in a different language.

blog3It is in a different language, a little language I like to call ‘the truth’

You may have heard of it? You may have even witnessed it once or twice, when you’ve been drunk on an elevator at Flinders Street Station ( Melbourne, Australia ) and a couple of semi attractive, ethnic looking girls are giggling at your comical appearance. If you think that a shiny, baby blue spandex ‘going out’ t-shirt is comical then by all means laugh. All the bumps were in all the right places, if anything I thought they would have been impressed. It’s not the last time I got laughed at for wearing something that would have to be surgically removed off me when I got home but that’s the kind of life I like to live.

One day you’re on a podium with the crowd begging you for more, the next you’re trying to claim a free decaf latte at McDonalds from the back of a shop’a’docket. Curse those things, I enjoy the pancake parlour ones though. There’s a deal for something like “2 pancakes for the price of 1” so I like to go to a pancake parlour where the proactive owner is working, when he comes out to check how our meal was I like to pull it out ( the shop’a’docket’ with the offer on it ), but then say the meal was so good that I’m not even going to use it and how I’m happy to pay full price.

I’d like to think that makes him happy, he goes home with a smile on his face; probably even makes love to his wife. He sleeps a peaceful sleep and dreams of humpback whales, breeching in the Pacific Ocean. A beautiful, beautiful dream.

On that I will let you go.

Yours in good spirits

Al Reidie

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Al Reidie

Al Reidie